She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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