Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
