I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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