Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
