Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize