I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
