yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When are your genitals available?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
