I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
