i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
