Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
