You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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