I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
