worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
