I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize