Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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