It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
