he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
