Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
