can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
