My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
