Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
