I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
