guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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