Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
