My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
