Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
