I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
