She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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