Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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