I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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