she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
