hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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