i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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