Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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