Jerry, you need to find god
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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