I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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