I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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