i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
