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I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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