its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
