I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
