And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
