I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize