It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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