Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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