Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
