Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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