It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
