ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize