If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
