i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
