i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There's always time for handjobs
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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