oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
