A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
