Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Randomize
