$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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