wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
