You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
