I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
