You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
3pm strippers are depressing
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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