I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
