She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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