i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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