I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
